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Friday 10 April 2015

Out of reach.


For a little half term break holiday this year we went to Devon along with some other family’s that we are friends with and one special guy in particular. Before you go thinking this is one of those romantic movies where we were together all the time and watched the sun set together. It wasn’t. I have had crush on him since I was little and as our family’s are really close that meant that I got to see him a lot, right? Not really, I saw him on takeaway nights and we have been going on holiday with them once a year for the past couple of years and little camping trip here and there. But every time I see him I can’t speak, the words just do not come out. However when I do speak to him it always sounds like I am depressed. Yet I still try and probably end up making it worse for myself. I am currently single but he is not he is half taken by a girl in the year above me who is tall , skinny, funny and popular nothing that I can match up to. On the other hand their relationship is a strange one I see pictures of her lying with her head on him and in school they blank each other. Therefore I do not know whether it is serious or even a real relationship or if I still have a chance. Oh and I forgot to mention he is two years older than me which may not seem like a lot but when you are my age believe me it is a big deal.

I wish I could pluck up the courage to speak to him, have a laugh, show him what I am really like not the girl he thinks I am. But what then? What if he does find out what I am really like still then he might not like me.  If he does then we would never be able to go out it just wouldn’t work.  He has different friends to me, popular ones who go to parties all the time. It would be weird both our family’s constantly talking about us. I would be forever scared that I wasn’t good enough or that he would just dump me for someone his own age who is prettier. If we did go out then broke up it would be so awkward and weird going on holiday together.

I may look back on this when I am old and  frail and think I have wasted so much time thinking ‘what if’  I should not have lead my life doing that and always looking for the negatives.   YOLO, you only live once. So what if he doesn’t like me I could still pluck up the courage to talk to him at least then we could be friends. It is better than not talking at all because I am simply too afraid.

I do not know the actual reason I am telling you this but maybe you might relate to this in some way. I am not writing this so he will see it and suddenly realize then fall in love with me. Because he doesn’t know I have a blog, he doesn’t know an awful lot about me to be fair. I am just writing to see if I am not the only one. Also if you too feel this way then to show that you are not alone. I don’t even know if I am going to post this as it is not one of my usual things to write about but I just thought it would also help me to put into words how I felt then maybe I could make sense of the situation. That would be my advice to you. If you are ever stuck in a curtain situation then take a minute to think or write out everything that way it is clearer and you can make a decision from there.  

Thanks for reading, see you soon.

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